THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR DOG

“We can rebuild Hokie. We have the technology…”

Dear Lord. This is a perfect idea for a movie. And it looks badass. When does this start playing in Ta…. oh no. Oh no. oh noohnoohnoohnoohnoohno…Noooooooo!!!!

A healthy Comedy Substitute for your Diet.

So, Grace Notes are my more introspective pieces. BOR’s are going to me being silly. 

This is going to be the empitomy of randomneass so think of this as tweet humor this round. That’s also because I wanted to aggregate some of my better tweets & status updates in one place.

Next time I’ll be back with something closer to a unified piece, a la “Kidz Bop 1996”

So, some scattered thoughts from the GraceNotes experience and Road trip.

- Why is it every time you see a Ferarri Jacket it’s being worn by someone that you know could never possibly own a Ferrari, much less a car after 1984?

- Vegetarianism is stupid posturing because we knew deep down, on their deathbed, a vegetarian will ask for some bacon. Because everything is better with bacon. Including death.

- Your genitals are the last place you inspect after a dog attack. It should be the first.

- Krystal Burgers are the fat Southern Cousin of White Castle. Point in case, they look like White Castle but then add BBQ, crispy onions and Bacon. They are their own person.

- Totes McGotes is Dead. Long Live Dirt McGirt!

- Picture Chinese people living in Los Angeles? Makes sense, right? Picture them in San Fransisco? New York? D.C? Hell, even Chicago and St. Louis. Can you picture them living in Tampa Florida? No, you can’t. And that’s the hell that awaits me. No good Chinese food can exist in a place without Chinese. Hell, in three months I’m going to be happy with Panda Express.

- Why is the statement “there’s someone on the other line” never immediately followed by the other person saying “I’ll wait” or “Call me back” but instead involves them reading their schedule to you, talking about the nature of the call, and finding a socially acceptable way to hang up. No. either say “I’ll stick around” or “I’m doing something. Call me when you’re done.” It’s my phone. I don’t need you to release me to answer it. I’m giving you a courtesy of not wondering why I suddenly am not responding to you.

- Here’s a crazy notion. It’s out there, but follow me. Left lane fast. Right lane…. slow. I know, I know. It’s a lot to take in so I’ll say it one more time. Left lane? Go fast. Speed limit at a minimum. Right Lane? Slower than that. Like say, 10-15 miles slower. Any slower than that? Walk. Across an active train track. 

- Forget green tea, Texas BBQ will clear you out faster than Keith Olbermann can clear out his desk.

- I appreciate the enthusiasm Tampa ladies, but even with those big old +2 heavy duty bolt-ons, you need to make sure other things are in proper proportion before you put on that tube top. Let me put it this way. If you have a body feature that ends in the same word as your shirt, you can’t wear it. Cut out the muffin and you’ll be ok. Oh, and about slathering your face with water-seal caulking/powder foundation? Give the trowel a second pass to smooth things out. You’re a little uneven. Looks like your lips are vinyl siding and your cheeks are stucco.

- To the rest of the girls that know light makeup and a sundress is a woman’s best friend, thank you. You get to sit in the front row for that one.

fakecriterions:

They Live [1988]

An email submission from Devin DiMattia [dimattiafilms.com] for Faked From the Dead.

Just more reminders why life is better on the Internet….

Texas Forever. Until Tomorrow.

I love Texas. But I know I could never live there.

Well… thats not true. As I have learned in my life I can make most everywhere work. But I feel like certain places will not work for me.

I feel like I could work in Chicago. I’d love to live in New York but I think it would grate on me between months 3 and 6. Ditto Boston.

It’s amazing though how a place can feel familiar, comfortable and yet totally wrong for you. The same goes for places that feel awkward and ill-suited and end up fitting better than you expected.

Exhibit A: Los Angeles.

A city I always said I was in because of work/career but I miss. But not so much. Because even as I got confortable there, I am always aware it’s not quite my size. But I can make it work.

Just call me Tim Gunn. Seriously. Please? Just for a minute?

I’ll miss LA and await returning but I am clear that like my upcoming time in Tampa; It’s Temporary.

This drive has brought me to a slow realization that there is somewhere else I’m meant to be. And I feel that the dawning realization of that place is going to be a flashpoint in my life.

I also have realized that standing outside my car, eating Texas BBQ on my car hood, Hokie next to me as Bill Hicks plays on the radio is perhaps the most casually cool I’ll ever look.

Even with Hokie’s head in a cone.

And that’s the thing. It’s an easy comfort. It can lull you. LA was never easy comfort but I got satisfied in a lot of ways. Sometimes complacent, sure, but I could be- and was- happy.

At times.

Tampa will fit. My family will make sure of that. Hokie will make sure of that. I have this silly notion in my head that he and I are Lone Wolf and Cub. We’re in this together fully now.

But deep down Tampa is an old suit. It still fits but I’ll need to buy a new one soon. And that’s just fine. I’ll enjoy this old thing till I slide it into the Goodwill bag and eagerly clutch the Nordstrom’s card in the other that will purchase the locus of the new thing meant for me.

For now, I’m just going to make it work.

Seriously. Will you PLEASE call me Tim Gunn?!?

Slowly getting back to being a real human being. Grace Notes Theme Song: Day Four - “Real Hero” by College

Infinite Choices, Infinite Worlds

A popular strand of quantum theory (or is it string theory?) that has worked itself into pop culture and a lot of sci-fi is the notion of alternate/parallel dimensions.

The working theory is that every time you make a choice, there is a separate, alternate dimension/reality where you made the opposite choice.

Now imagine all the choices in your life, compounded by all the choices in other people’s lives, compounded by the width and breadth of human history.

It’s oftentimes articulated as a fractal.

Writer Warren Ellis referred to it as “the snowflake”. Infinite universes piles up on themselves spreading out in an ever-expanding dimensional tesseract.

But after the events of yesterday, I came at this from a new angle.

We always monday morning quarterback ourselves. We always go “if only I had…” or “I wish I hadn’t…”

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda.

But I started to think of the fractal. About the snowflake. Infinite choices. Infinite worlds.

Infinite grief.

Now, most of you know me. I try to be an optimist. I really do. But I started to realize that when we play “coulda-woulda-shoulda” we are taking the snowflake and we think we’re trying to create an alternate dimension where we did the right thing, but all we did is change things in our head, and maybe opened up that new world for something far worse to happen.

When we start imagining all these different scenarios and we do it out of grief I think we can just extrapolate our grief out over that infinite fractal into something that isn’t, can never be, or- God Fordbid- should never be. Lord knows I’ve spent far too much time exploring worlds that could never be on the snowflake over the last 8 years. Always wondering what I could or should have done differently. In my life and career. Constant second-guessing and dimension-building in my mind with alternate scenarios.

Maybe we just have to make peace with what is. And I’m lucky. No. I’m blessed. I’m blessed to be writing this with a dog that- while hurt and on the mend- is safe and alive.

Would I be this serene if things had been worse?

I don’t know. It didn’t happen. So instead of imagining what Tim on that thread on the snowflake would be like, I chose to inhabit this scenario.

And I am at peace with where I am, and what is happening.