A healthy Comedy Substitute for your Diet.
So, Grace Notes are my more introspective pieces. BOR’s are going to me being silly.
This is going to be the empitomy of randomneass so think of this as tweet humor this round. That’s also because I wanted to aggregate some of my better tweets & status updates in one place.
Next time I’ll be back with something closer to a unified piece, a la “Kidz Bop 1996”
So, some scattered thoughts from the GraceNotes experience and Road trip.
- Why is it every time you see a Ferarri Jacket it’s being worn by someone that you know could never possibly own a Ferrari, much less a car after 1984?
- Vegetarianism is stupid posturing because we knew deep down, on their deathbed, a vegetarian will ask for some bacon. Because everything is better with bacon. Including death.
- Your genitals are the last place you inspect after a dog attack. It should be the first.
- Krystal Burgers are the fat Southern Cousin of White Castle. Point in case, they look like White Castle but then add BBQ, crispy onions and Bacon. They are their own person.
- Totes McGotes is Dead. Long Live Dirt McGirt!
- Picture Chinese people living in Los Angeles? Makes sense, right? Picture them in San Fransisco? New York? D.C? Hell, even Chicago and St. Louis. Can you picture them living in Tampa Florida? No, you can’t. And that’s the hell that awaits me. No good Chinese food can exist in a place without Chinese. Hell, in three months I’m going to be happy with Panda Express.
- Why is the statement “there’s someone on the other line” never immediately followed by the other person saying “I’ll wait” or “Call me back” but instead involves them reading their schedule to you, talking about the nature of the call, and finding a socially acceptable way to hang up. No. either say “I’ll stick around” or “I’m doing something. Call me when you’re done.” It’s my phone. I don’t need you to release me to answer it. I’m giving you a courtesy of not wondering why I suddenly am not responding to you.
- Here’s a crazy notion. It’s out there, but follow me. Left lane fast. Right lane…. slow. I know, I know. It’s a lot to take in so I’ll say it one more time. Left lane? Go fast. Speed limit at a minimum. Right Lane? Slower than that. Like say, 10-15 miles slower. Any slower than that? Walk. Across an active train track.
- Forget green tea, Texas BBQ will clear you out faster than Keith Olbermann can clear out his desk.
- I appreciate the enthusiasm Tampa ladies, but even with those big old +2 heavy duty bolt-ons, you need to make sure other things are in proper proportion before you put on that tube top. Let me put it this way. If you have a body feature that ends in the same word as your shirt, you can’t wear it. Cut out the muffin and you’ll be ok. Oh, and about slathering your face with water-seal caulking/powder foundation? Give the trowel a second pass to smooth things out. You’re a little uneven. Looks like your lips are vinyl siding and your cheeks are stucco.
- To the rest of the girls that know light makeup and a sundress is a woman’s best friend, thank you. You get to sit in the front row for that one.